And God did not stop His loving correction there! Oh, no, He had much more to show me. As I made a piece of peanut butter toast and coffee (:) ), something became quite clear to me about my current life pattern of "get stressed.. get overwhelmed.. become debilitated.. try to forget about the stress in order to move forward... repeat." God showed me that I am living this way- a slave to anxiety- because I have deceived myself into thinking that I must be happy, healthy, satisfied, and successful at all times. If I feel like I am losing my grip on one of these "essential" items, I panic and do whatever I can to regain it! With my school assignments, for example- when I look at the amount of work I have, I tell myself that there is no way I can get it all done successfully and without being stressed. So, I become so anxious about it that I cannot functionally do anything. Anything except distract myself (maybe with a comforting bowl of cereal? My low-calorie version of emotional eating :P )
My mindset, my attitude toward these issues has been completely off! I must think of it this way instead: Is a little discomfort such a bad thing? A little bit of uneasiness or difficulty, for God's glory and my good- is that unjust? Would a "B" (grade) be so terrible, in the grand scheme of things? No. In addition, I know that "this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison." (2 Corinthians 4:17).
I'm very thankful that God is showing me the errors of my thinking- this is the first step toward repentance and restoration (to be free from sin and free to live for Christ!). Thus, when I give in to temptation (like eating that cookie because I'm really stressed out!), what I am actually feeding is my "do whatever it takes in order to be happy" attitude. The more I feed it, the hungrier it gets! Moving forward from here, I'll need to pray that I do not succumb to listening to the voice of my pride, which says: "You've already screwed up too much. You might as well give up now, since you will never be able to get better!" Actually, no, prideful Julie, your sin is never too great for God to forgive and restore you (Jesus paid it ALL!). And you're right on the latter part- you cannot get well on your own. So cling to Christ all the more!
My Great Physician heals the sick,
The lost He came to save.
For me His precious blood He shed,
For me His life He gave!
I need no other argument,
I need no other plea;
it is enough that Jesus died,
and that He died for me!
I recognize that my feeling of shame of "I shouldn't be struggling with this, it shouldn't be this hard!" is also just my pride talking. You know that phrase, "When the going gets tough, the tough get going"? Well, I'd like to employ some creative license to change that. When the going gets rough, (yes, admit that it's hard!), the rough (the messy, imperfect, hard-headed human beings like me!) GET GOING TO JESUS!! May the stressful times propel me to the throne of grace- the only place my heart can find rest and my soul can be satisfied! I've learned (more than once!) that "do whatever it takes in order to be happy" will only lead me to emptiness and despair. Alternatively, a focus on giving God glory, praising Him for the cross, relying on His strength, and being a blessing to others is what leads to true joy and life in abundance (Jesus: "I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly." -John 10:10).
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