O Lord. I just have so many issues (lol). I am glad that I have a blogger account- nobody reads these things anymore! So it's pretty much just for me. PERFECT.
I am just struggling in all the basic things. I am so lazy- well, tired too. I woke up at 4 AM- sure, I guess we can say that's an accomplishment. I spent time journaling and reading, drink herbal tea and coffee, and start getting ready to teach VIPKid, which usually starts at 6:30 or 7. My usual is to have 5 back to back classes, which was true for today. Fun fact- I taught the same lesson TWICE today! It was so helpful, and I did way better the second time around.
After my lessons I am supposed to write my feedback, right away, and also get my desk picked up. Did I? Well, I just finished my feedback more than an hour after my last class ended, My desk is still a mess, and all I can say for myself is that I got Tims, had some food (waking up at 4 makes me starving all morning long!!), and put the khubz in the freezer. Yay. >_<
Hah. I act like if I JUST had another day off, THEN I would get all the things done. This just isn't true. Even when you do have an entire day, post-VIPKid, all to yourself, you still don't get everything done. It's impossible to ever truly cross off everything on your to-do list because something is always getting added. We simply have to learn to use the time that we have.
Why is it SO hard for me, even though I HAVE the time, to put my laundry away and consistently put on my makeup? Why is it that I NEVER make time to curl my hair, or do my nails, or FINALLY figure out how to use Google Slides in my classroom, something that would help me out IMMENSELY? These are things that will make my life run smoother, and pave the way for me to make OTHER wise and helpful decisions. But do I do them? Well, I haven't yet... I just over-caffeinate and keep on keeping on to get by.
I'm really frustrated. It's 11:22, which means I have about an hour and a half before I need to leave for babysitting. Which means that long list of things I wanted to get done? They are for SURE not all getting done. Let's just make a list here, just so you can see:
1. Practice a typing test for 5 minutes
2. Finally take the typing test for the job you are trying to get!!
3. Curl my hair
4. Moisturize my face and do my makeup
5. Maybe do some yoga
6. Maybe make a salad or a green smoothie
7. Prep VIPkid for tomorrow
8. Get your TWO loads of laundry folded and put away
9. Actually clean your desk and get your SHIZ together
This is truly where I struggle the hardest. When I have a bunch to do, and it is all pretty important, and I would truly love to get it al done in a short amount of time... but I CAN'T do it all... this is when I give up. When I have another cup of coffee just to shut my mind UP. Coffee makes me feel like I'm working hard, because tired people who work too much drink a lot of it.... So, even if I got only ONE of the 10 things on my list done... gosh darnit I worked hard today, can't you see that by how much caffeine I needed to drink to get through it all? (Oy...)
I am my harshest critic... and it is killing me. Paralyzing me from getting anything done. My perfectionism is running my into the ground, causing me to make choices that are like taking one step forward, ten hundred steps back. And I'm really not all about that.
Look, you know what you have to do. I'm sorry that you must only choose ONE thing... but just go do it.
I just love
Well, it's a rare occasion that I'm writing because I feel happy :) No really, usually I write to blow off steam!
I'm alone in the house where I'm dog sitting and well, it will be like that a lot except for when I'm out working. During the day I love me my alone time. It's mostly at night when I'm sad and everything feels hopeless.
NOT TODAY. :) (#nottodaySatan)! LOL
I'm ok. I'm happy! Which is really quite miraculous. So I'm writing it down to remember the feeling. And I'm going to be that annoying person for a minute, and gush about the things that make me, for lack of a better word.... happy :) (my vocabulary is pitifully small, apparently).
1. I loveee waking up early to have coffee and Jesus time. Especially if I wake up before anyone else. No really, it's 9:45 PM as I'm writing this and I couldn't be more excited to wake up tomorrow for my java&Jesus. Love love love ;)
2. I love working. I really do. Maybe too much. Getting stuff done makes me feel alive. Although I always have to be smart and remind myself that my identify isn't found in what I do. But for real y'all, give me a to-do list and a positive attitude (which I don't always have, Lord help me some days I just give up to be honest), and OOH MAMA I just love crushing it. I will write "shower" on my list and feel pretty freaken proud even just to finish something stupid like that! Though, I work hard to care for my hair, so I feel justified ;)
3. Actually, my brain has had just about enough so, pretend I listed all of the other people and things that I love. Music, beer, thinking about things deeply, blah blah blah I'm going to bed ;)
This is the most pathetic blog post ever but, I'm writing for ME so, if y'all don't like it then BYE ;D
I'm alone in the house where I'm dog sitting and well, it will be like that a lot except for when I'm out working. During the day I love me my alone time. It's mostly at night when I'm sad and everything feels hopeless.
NOT TODAY. :) (#nottodaySatan)! LOL
I'm ok. I'm happy! Which is really quite miraculous. So I'm writing it down to remember the feeling. And I'm going to be that annoying person for a minute, and gush about the things that make me, for lack of a better word.... happy :) (my vocabulary is pitifully small, apparently).
1. I loveee waking up early to have coffee and Jesus time. Especially if I wake up before anyone else. No really, it's 9:45 PM as I'm writing this and I couldn't be more excited to wake up tomorrow for my java&Jesus. Love love love ;)
2. I love working. I really do. Maybe too much. Getting stuff done makes me feel alive. Although I always have to be smart and remind myself that my identify isn't found in what I do. But for real y'all, give me a to-do list and a positive attitude (which I don't always have, Lord help me some days I just give up to be honest), and OOH MAMA I just love crushing it. I will write "shower" on my list and feel pretty freaken proud even just to finish something stupid like that! Though, I work hard to care for my hair, so I feel justified ;)
3. Actually, my brain has had just about enough so, pretend I listed all of the other people and things that I love. Music, beer, thinking about things deeply, blah blah blah I'm going to bed ;)
This is the most pathetic blog post ever but, I'm writing for ME so, if y'all don't like it then BYE ;D
The one where waiting SUCKS
No, I'm not waiting for a man. I'm waiting for a country. XD
Sigh, insert overly dramatic introduction here. So, you were born into a wonderful family, as an American citizen, and learned that Jesus loved you since the womb? Oh BOO YOU, your life is so awful!
Yes, I know I am really really REALLY blessed. But that doesn't make the waiting any easier. Also I am hopelessly impatient and impulsive. That doesn't help things much.
So here's my boring little backstory. Ever since about 7th grade I knew I wanted to be an elementary teacher. Flash forward about 10 years and I am one. For the cutest and sweetest children, and it's the most fun yet most difficult way to make a living. And by "a living" I mean I barely get paid, but hey I live at home so, I can still fund my addiction to coffee and shoes. Who could ask for more?
I could. Oh, yes I could. In the face of the beautiful friendships that feel like family, and the myriad of opportunities coming my way... I could ask for more. Because even though these very things should be like anchors keeping me here, I only feel the call to GO getting stronger. Every. Single. Day.
If you're a complete and total stranger, I should probably tell you that the place I so desperately want to go is ITALY. Let's just take a moment of silence here for the beauty that oozes from every pore of that blessed country......................
Now wake up and laugh at my naiveté. I lived in Italy for 3 months in 2013 as an au pair. Cool. Great. Nice. Came home and my sister got married, and life went on as usual.
Then I spent a month in Rome in the summer of 2017 (I can't believe it was that long ago already!), and I was hooked. Ready to quit the job I loved. Ready to pretend I could be an adult and do all the adult things, and move across the world and start my life in Italy. Ha!
While I still have a bunch of things to learn as a grown-a woman... I still think this Italy thing is possible. With a bunch of planning and God's sweet providence, I can teach English there, rent an apartment, and finally put to rest my Restless Travel Syndrome. I can finally be in the place where I work to live, not live to work. In the place where life is savored, not hurried. Where the language is REALLY FREAKEN PRETTY and the food is so good that you'll never want to come home. Not to mention being with mia famiglia!
So, why did I write this blog post again? Well, because I'm an idiot, and waiting is hard. I'm not putting myself down or anything-- until I reach glory I will always be somewhat of an idiot. Always needing to remind myself to enjoy what I have right NOW. To remember that the grass isn't greener on the other side... it's just a different shade of green. That living life with God is more beautiful than any adventure, even my Italian one. And though it's hard, I still have to exist for a while longer in this intersection of: "Don't cling to your dreams too tightly... but don't let ANYTHING cause you to give up on those dreams, either."
Dear reader, please pray for my pathetic soul ;)
Arrivederci!
Sigh, insert overly dramatic introduction here. So, you were born into a wonderful family, as an American citizen, and learned that Jesus loved you since the womb? Oh BOO YOU, your life is so awful!
Yes, I know I am really really REALLY blessed. But that doesn't make the waiting any easier. Also I am hopelessly impatient and impulsive. That doesn't help things much.
So here's my boring little backstory. Ever since about 7th grade I knew I wanted to be an elementary teacher. Flash forward about 10 years and I am one. For the cutest and sweetest children, and it's the most fun yet most difficult way to make a living. And by "a living" I mean I barely get paid, but hey I live at home so, I can still fund my addiction to coffee and shoes. Who could ask for more?
I could. Oh, yes I could. In the face of the beautiful friendships that feel like family, and the myriad of opportunities coming my way... I could ask for more. Because even though these very things should be like anchors keeping me here, I only feel the call to GO getting stronger. Every. Single. Day.
If you're a complete and total stranger, I should probably tell you that the place I so desperately want to go is ITALY. Let's just take a moment of silence here for the beauty that oozes from every pore of that blessed country......................
Now wake up and laugh at my naiveté. I lived in Italy for 3 months in 2013 as an au pair. Cool. Great. Nice. Came home and my sister got married, and life went on as usual.
Then I spent a month in Rome in the summer of 2017 (I can't believe it was that long ago already!), and I was hooked. Ready to quit the job I loved. Ready to pretend I could be an adult and do all the adult things, and move across the world and start my life in Italy. Ha!
While I still have a bunch of things to learn as a grown-a woman... I still think this Italy thing is possible. With a bunch of planning and God's sweet providence, I can teach English there, rent an apartment, and finally put to rest my Restless Travel Syndrome. I can finally be in the place where I work to live, not live to work. In the place where life is savored, not hurried. Where the language is REALLY FREAKEN PRETTY and the food is so good that you'll never want to come home. Not to mention being with mia famiglia!
So, why did I write this blog post again? Well, because I'm an idiot, and waiting is hard. I'm not putting myself down or anything-- until I reach glory I will always be somewhat of an idiot. Always needing to remind myself to enjoy what I have right NOW. To remember that the grass isn't greener on the other side... it's just a different shade of green. That living life with God is more beautiful than any adventure, even my Italian one. And though it's hard, I still have to exist for a while longer in this intersection of: "Don't cling to your dreams too tightly... but don't let ANYTHING cause you to give up on those dreams, either."
Dear reader, please pray for my pathetic soul ;)
Arrivederci!
I'm a walking contradiction ? ! ;D
Melancholy. That sort of seems like my job description, hah! >_< Oh I love emoticons.
I'm currently a few days into my NC trip (#2, with Leah again!). WE just got back from a very snazzy Italian restaurant called Vivace, where we had sparkling Rose' and affogato, among other (pricey) delicacies ;) My oh my, my peanut butter toast kinda diet at home did not prepare my belly very well for this!!! What a great idea affogato is, though! (ice cream "drowned" in espresso ;) )
The "kids" ( hahaha- L, C, & L ) are currently outside playing cornhole. I'm not super interested because I already got 4 humungous bug bites today during my outdoor yoga, and I really just don't care about corn hole. But I'm glad they are playing for Chris' sake, since he seems to get a kick out of it ;)
Well, I deleted both insta AND Facebook from my phone this time. I don't really see any problem with checking them sometimes when I'm on the computer, but... UGH I just hate the idea of them controlling my life. I can't do anything enjoyable without feeling the need to post about it. It's almost as if I'm not sure if it was good or not until somebody else likes it, too. Oh how very superficial. Mind you these are words for MYSELF and not for others. We all know our own hearts... not everyone needs approval from others like a drug, as I do. So please keep these apps on your phone without guilt lol... unless you're like me, and you kinda need a purge.
Hmm I wonder how I can better use my time without these apps :) Maybe I can FINALLY go back to learning Arabic, do more with Italian and kindle, and make use of Yoga/workout apps! I so enjoyed getting to go to Zumba yesterday here in Raleigh, using Larua's guest pass for the YMCA. Plus I've done my own yoga outside 2 days in a row. Not that it's something to brag about- it's just kind of funny how now-a-days I can't survive without movin' and groovin'. I feel antsy and BLECH without it.
It's sort of strange how, though I am on vacation and AT my cousin's house, I almost thrive on the things I am able to do, JUST ME. My solo yoga, journaling, getting shtuff done... at home, I feel like I can't survive without people!! Apparently on vacation I LOVE my me time, and at home I crawl out of my own skin if I'm alone too long. What a weirdo I am! Much love though cause yeah, God made me the way He intended to. <3 nbsp="" p="">
I'm currently a few days into my NC trip (#2, with Leah again!). WE just got back from a very snazzy Italian restaurant called Vivace, where we had sparkling Rose' and affogato, among other (pricey) delicacies ;) My oh my, my peanut butter toast kinda diet at home did not prepare my belly very well for this!!! What a great idea affogato is, though! (ice cream "drowned" in espresso ;) )
The "kids" ( hahaha- L, C, & L ) are currently outside playing cornhole. I'm not super interested because I already got 4 humungous bug bites today during my outdoor yoga, and I really just don't care about corn hole. But I'm glad they are playing for Chris' sake, since he seems to get a kick out of it ;)
Well, I deleted both insta AND Facebook from my phone this time. I don't really see any problem with checking them sometimes when I'm on the computer, but... UGH I just hate the idea of them controlling my life. I can't do anything enjoyable without feeling the need to post about it. It's almost as if I'm not sure if it was good or not until somebody else likes it, too. Oh how very superficial. Mind you these are words for MYSELF and not for others. We all know our own hearts... not everyone needs approval from others like a drug, as I do. So please keep these apps on your phone without guilt lol... unless you're like me, and you kinda need a purge.
Hmm I wonder how I can better use my time without these apps :) Maybe I can FINALLY go back to learning Arabic, do more with Italian and kindle, and make use of Yoga/workout apps! I so enjoyed getting to go to Zumba yesterday here in Raleigh, using Larua's guest pass for the YMCA. Plus I've done my own yoga outside 2 days in a row. Not that it's something to brag about- it's just kind of funny how now-a-days I can't survive without movin' and groovin'. I feel antsy and BLECH without it.
It's sort of strange how, though I am on vacation and AT my cousin's house, I almost thrive on the things I am able to do, JUST ME. My solo yoga, journaling, getting shtuff done... at home, I feel like I can't survive without people!! Apparently on vacation I LOVE my me time, and at home I crawl out of my own skin if I'm alone too long. What a weirdo I am! Much love though cause yeah, God made me the way He intended to. <3 nbsp="" p="">
Eyes to see, Heart to Love
Well hello again, blog. I'll be using you for awhile- while my phone is charging (I want to read my Bible), andddd while I've committed to only writing in my physical journal in Italian. It's a great practice ( I started this again just yesterday lol), but sometimes it is just nice to get my ideas out fast- and in English.
So. I had a moment earlier where I was reminded that I have only been thinking of myself. When a negative person enters my life, instead of praying for them and letting the situation go.. my thoughts are haunted; I worry and feel frustrated for them ever entering my life. I don't have much compassion on them- I just wish I could forget them already, or daydream that they will change to my liking.
I also realized I am not so good at depending on God (ok, it's not my first time realizing this haha). When I'm feeling the blues I can just put on some upbeat Christian music or Zumba tunes. Do I get down on my knees and pray? No, not really. Am I faithfully in the Word? Eh, sometimes. I guess I'm not sure what this post is about... an encouragement sesh? I don't think so.
I think I just needed to write these things down to get some perspective and let it go. Am I frustrated at people sometimes? You bet. Do I wish that _____ had never happened because it would make my life easier? Yep. Do I understand why I need to go through this? Do I understand why I have to encounter the crappy thing when I've been waiting "so long," holding out for the right choice? YES!! Like Lord, haven't I had enough practice growing in this area, this waiting game? This constant surrender to you, this battle of my mind? I guess not. It's just stinkin' hard!!!
I want to do what is right. I do trust in the Lord- He is good, loves me, and knows what is best.
So. I had a moment earlier where I was reminded that I have only been thinking of myself. When a negative person enters my life, instead of praying for them and letting the situation go.. my thoughts are haunted; I worry and feel frustrated for them ever entering my life. I don't have much compassion on them- I just wish I could forget them already, or daydream that they will change to my liking.
I also realized I am not so good at depending on God (ok, it's not my first time realizing this haha). When I'm feeling the blues I can just put on some upbeat Christian music or Zumba tunes. Do I get down on my knees and pray? No, not really. Am I faithfully in the Word? Eh, sometimes. I guess I'm not sure what this post is about... an encouragement sesh? I don't think so.
I think I just needed to write these things down to get some perspective and let it go. Am I frustrated at people sometimes? You bet. Do I wish that _____ had never happened because it would make my life easier? Yep. Do I understand why I need to go through this? Do I understand why I have to encounter the crappy thing when I've been waiting "so long," holding out for the right choice? YES!! Like Lord, haven't I had enough practice growing in this area, this waiting game? This constant surrender to you, this battle of my mind? I guess not. It's just stinkin' hard!!!
I want to do what is right. I do trust in the Lord- He is good, loves me, and knows what is best.
Writing again
Ah, my comfy spot. I'm in warm fleecy PJ's that were brand new but from the thrift store, with my robe on top of that, fresh after a shower, with my feet propped up (and good thing too, I am SO-RE!). Not that any of that was necessary. But it's a beautiful thing, no?
Well, God's been teaching me a lot lately and I got the feeling I shouldn't keep these things to myself. I don't exactly I go about publicizing each of my posts on social media though, so the likelihood of someone reading this post in the near --
-- interrupted by the phone ;) My sister wants me to go pick her up. Not exactly what I was planning on... meh I can just blast some music and get some enjoyment out of that. Be back later!
Now that I'm back home I have a killer headache and seem to have lost my will to write. To be continued!
Well, God's been teaching me a lot lately and I got the feeling I shouldn't keep these things to myself. I don't exactly I go about publicizing each of my posts on social media though, so the likelihood of someone reading this post in the near --
-- interrupted by the phone ;) My sister wants me to go pick her up. Not exactly what I was planning on... meh I can just blast some music and get some enjoyment out of that. Be back later!
Now that I'm back home I have a killer headache and seem to have lost my will to write. To be continued!
Thoughts
I don't really have anything to say. At least I think I don't. The fact is I don't want to be blogging right now, but my Microsoft word takes longer to load. Blogging is for chipper people who get paid to live manicured lives ;) LOL. I barely have time ( or so it seems) to stop and breathe, so what do I really have to say?? But I am making myself sit down and spill my "empty" brain, cause it's good for me.
Part of my wants to say I can make the time. What am I waiting for? Part of me knows I should try to get back to planning. For example if I don't plan a workout, will it ever happen? There was a time last week when doing yoga every day mattered. Then this week came and I am lucky to workout when I feel like it, which hey it happened yesterday, and if it didn't happen today, than it's ok.
I think I am amazed by my own inability to prioritize. Goes right in hand with feeling like I do not know how to plan long-term for a Montessori classroom. I am so concerned with filling up my time. Never have a dull moment- I always have to be doing something. I am always prepared with my Harry Potter in Italian, something to prep for school, workout clothes... but then when I arrive at wherever I am, when I'm in the moment, when I stumble upon any amount of free time... it seems that none of those things get done. I have a sprawling to-do list always in the back of my mind, as well as a list of aspirations and things that make me excited, but these get worked on sporadically at best. And let's not mention laundry.
And then there's my walk with God. Now I don't beat myself up for not reading the Bible every day, though I would love to read it more. It's not so much about getting it done or not; I want to be the type of person who longs for God more and draws closer to Him. Spending time with Him is an obvious way to do that. And it's a bit frightening to think I'd be ok with a laissez faire attitude about my relationship with Him. Like, as long as I'm working FOR Him that's all I gotta do, right?? Hmm..
Somehow whenever I write things out, they don't seem like as big of a deal as they were when they were simply in my head. Planning more would be good. Cutting out what doesn't quite matter to make room for the important stuff would also be boss. Using time well so I can make little strides in many areas would lead to some long and lasting benefits. So yeah, I should go do that ;) Oh Lord, help me! Can't do anything without you <3 nbsp="" p="">
Part of my wants to say I can make the time. What am I waiting for? Part of me knows I should try to get back to planning. For example if I don't plan a workout, will it ever happen? There was a time last week when doing yoga every day mattered. Then this week came and I am lucky to workout when I feel like it, which hey it happened yesterday, and if it didn't happen today, than it's ok.
I think I am amazed by my own inability to prioritize. Goes right in hand with feeling like I do not know how to plan long-term for a Montessori classroom. I am so concerned with filling up my time. Never have a dull moment- I always have to be doing something. I am always prepared with my Harry Potter in Italian, something to prep for school, workout clothes... but then when I arrive at wherever I am, when I'm in the moment, when I stumble upon any amount of free time... it seems that none of those things get done. I have a sprawling to-do list always in the back of my mind, as well as a list of aspirations and things that make me excited, but these get worked on sporadically at best. And let's not mention laundry.
And then there's my walk with God. Now I don't beat myself up for not reading the Bible every day, though I would love to read it more. It's not so much about getting it done or not; I want to be the type of person who longs for God more and draws closer to Him. Spending time with Him is an obvious way to do that. And it's a bit frightening to think I'd be ok with a laissez faire attitude about my relationship with Him. Like, as long as I'm working FOR Him that's all I gotta do, right?? Hmm..
Somehow whenever I write things out, they don't seem like as big of a deal as they were when they were simply in my head. Planning more would be good. Cutting out what doesn't quite matter to make room for the important stuff would also be boss. Using time well so I can make little strides in many areas would lead to some long and lasting benefits. So yeah, I should go do that ;) Oh Lord, help me! Can't do anything without you <3 nbsp="" p="">
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)