Have thine own way, Lord! Have thine own way!
Thou art the potter, I am the clay.
Mold me and make me after thy will,
while I am waiting, yielded, and still.
Joni's testimony is incredible-- how in her years of crying out to
the Lord for physical healing, he has blessed her with so much more than
that. He as shown her what spiritual healing looks like, which has left
her yearning for more!!! She admits that he suffering is like being
sandblasted with sorrow and pain (physical and more), with her heart
left raw. Yet, God has given her amazing strength to overcome. She
praises the Lord for saying no to her prayer for complete physical
healing, because her paralysis and other physical pains have been used
by God to purge her of so much sin- and when God opens our eyes, we sin how terrible and deadly sin really is. Her suffering has helped her not to have a
complaining spirit, to have more compassion for those in
pain/disabled.... and most importantly, it has drawn her closer to God! As she
puts it, "there is nothing more beautiful than finding Jesus in the midst
of your suffering." Suffering is like "little splash-overs from hell"--but
PRAISE BE TO GOD that he uses this suffering to wake us up from our
spiritual slumber! Suffering reminds us that Hell is real, and that
CHRIST DIED the worst possible death TO SAVE US from it. Out of God's
mere good pleasure. Wow.
Joni's reflections on her own bitterness and
complaining during her suffering also got me doing some introspecting.
Yep.. guilty!! I daily do every possible thing to make sure that I'm
happy. God better not gives me something hard to deal with! And other
people better not get in my way. Sure, I've never actually said to God
"you are annoying, evil, and stupid," but the attitude of my sinful heart
really does act this way toward Him :( That's why when people think I'm
"good," I wish I could give them a peak inside my heart. Yes, I need
God's salvation just as much as every other human being! I don't want to focus
on my sin too much, though- I need to think of the Lord and his grace,
which is all the more AMAZING in the light of the depths of sin I am
capable of.
To wrap things up, I have to be honest about one
more not-so-pretty thing about my human state (I can't wait till
heaven!!). My response to the realization of my sinful heart is
(normally) to distract myself from thinking about it. When I am feeling down
about my sinfulness, instead of turning it around to praising God for his
grace, I can let myself sink further into sin and despair, and again,
just doing everything I can think of to feel "better about myself" and "happy." As if a "better" version of myself is what will really fix the problem! No- nothing but the blood of Jesus can cleanse me from my sin and save me. And only by following God do we find true joy :) I remembered, after
listening to Joni's message this morning that-- well, I ALWAYS am in
need of spiritual healing and revival!! I should not be SURPRISED by
seeing more of my sin... instead, I should expect to find it. I'd rather
start each day with, "Lord, how are you seeking to purge me of my sins,
today? What areas of my life do I need to more fully surrender to
you? What will you show me about my heart, and about YOUR TRANSFORMING
GRACE, today?" Even more than expecting it, I will ask for it:
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me (which there is!!!);
And lead me in the way everlasting." (Psalm 139:23)
Wash me, and make me whiter than snow! (Psalm 51:7)
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